Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
From my Mom
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number