*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Love is always patient and kind.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Breaking news:
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.