When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.