[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Worth remembering.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now