Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If snakes were wide
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?