Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Seek kebab; not attention
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.