My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Meow
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?