ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
yea so i messed up lol
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Kermit goes Blue.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
men, we mow at sunrise.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐