It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.