First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*