a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
This why you should mind your business
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.