If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Word!
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him