BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
SPLOOT
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
mom gave me mine for free
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees