[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.