If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I never needed anything more in my life
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.