i can’t wait that long
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I only eat vegetarians.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
unbelievably distressed by this ad
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.