COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
True freaking story!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.