Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.