“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters