Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
What
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
pizza
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes