Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?