Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Employees must applaud the planets.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Liquor Store Parking
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog