Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
How I’d get arrested…
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
pat pat
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.