Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.