Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Whoa… oh I see lol
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.