I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
ok like just. call me at this point
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!