My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
You Might Also Like
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”