Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
this could fix me
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on