First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread