Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
groan^2
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes