You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.