Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You Might Also Like
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?