8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”