I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.