Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Best spot.. 😅