The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
SCARY COSTUME
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
sigh
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.