If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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felt that
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
A new level of troll.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.