I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.