Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.