When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’