Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Had an epiphany today.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.