This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)