Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)