I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Confused owl: What?!
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.