[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
😂🤣😂🤣
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?