The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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kitchen magnet
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
So we got a goldfish…
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.