surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.