Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.