40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
You Might Also Like
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.