there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*